The Sun Rises…the Battle Begins
Some days I feel perfectly normal and even optimistic. But other days I’m overwhelmed because deep down I’m a simple, peace-attracted soul. The one kind of contrast I abhor is that of evil against good but the world we live in seems to revel in that very thing. If there isn’t a piteous headline for the masses, then the search for one begins far and wide. I realize it’s best not to live with our heads in the sand, and we have a responsibility to understand the troubles of societies and cultures all over the globe, but truthfully, I’m feeling wrecked. Helpless. At times, hopeless.
If it’s an overwhelming kind of day, I put on mental armor in preparation for the cacophony of voices crying out with need and pain all around. Otherwise I will be demoted from the bright, positive adult I woke as to a small child trying to escape the grownups fighting. At times there isn’t enough beauty to distract me and I am tempted to retreat inward where my daydreams are filled with harmony and love and joy. It’s truly my default perspective. This can be problematic if it’s not addressed instantly. Walls go up, hackles are raised, and even close acquaintances are often kept at an arm’s distance. The price of an inner peace can all too easily be the breakdown of relationships.
While this isn’t something I analyze often, I’ve started to look inward to see if I can figure out what the heck is wrong with me. Why am I so unsettled by the world’s chaos? It’s as though I’m afraid I’ll lose control during the day-long battle unless I’m sufficiently protected. On the inside, I become defensive and on the outside, I’m a friendly communicator who wishes she could be quiet and no one will be the worse for the wear. It’s not that I don’t love being around my family and friends. It’s more that the in-person sharing of myself results in so much damn exposure. There is no mystery. There is only a gentle turtle blinking guardedly at the outside world and missing her shell.
Losing Track of You
If you’re anything like me, you shift to auto-pilot mode and let time pass by for a few moments or days or months. Until one day, you look at your life…abruptly and with eyes wide open. Then, after this long bout with procrastination, the hardest part comes ; you remember what used to help you stay the course: your religious perspective, philosophy, mantra, creed—the IT that gives meaning to your life.
Our perspective on deep matters is what determines how we react and interact with everyone and everything in the world at large. It’s our name card at the table. It’s the sign on our door. It’s the tagline of our life’s brand. And it’s what makes us uniquely lovable. Personally, when my hobbies and passions are set aside in favor of the practical present, I tend to arrive at really hard life decisions and feel like I’m lost at sea with no compass. Like, wait a minute? What’s really important here? Why can’t we live more simply? Why is it impossible to sustain ourselves without giving up ourselves? The Almighty Dollar wants to govern our daily existence with its grip of steel. And it doesn’t care one bit about our goals or dreams or personalities. Perhaps I’ve simply declared war, unwilling to lose track of myself amidst the throes of battle.
All Wounds Heal in Time
And for me they heal in the quiet…
Solitude has never bothered me. Going without talking for days is like medicine for my soul. When has that ever happened? Funny you should ask, because the answer is—probably never. But I’ve dreamed of it, imagined it. There has to be more like me out there. People who would thrill at the chance to walk along a sun-smothered field of flowers, alone or maybe with your pet or a kindred spirit of a friend/spouse/loved one. Or to sit atop a seawall and be embraced by the breeze coming off the water. Perhaps a cup of coffee alone with your thoughts or a good book. Does it sound weird?
I’ve never questioned why God made me this way. It’s always felt comfortable. But, lately the world around me has grown too hectic; it’s starting to permeate the careful structure I’ve set up in my family’s life. Peace is out there on thin ice staring at us with terror in its eyes. I can sense we’re losing our grip. The world says that simplicity isn’t really necessary and only for the lethargic-minded. But I don’t think they really believe it. And they wouldn’t find lethargy if they could see into my mind where there is all manner of activity preparing me for the next endeavor or adventure in life. It can try to wound by insulting my intelligence, but all I need is a moment alone and I’m good as new.
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If you’re still reading, I’ve got a confession to make. You may or may not have gotten a glimpse into the innermost working of my mind. It is NEVER easy for me to express what I’m thinking or feeling. Until I try writing it down. Does this happen to you? Are you afraid that if you let it slip, no one will understand? Leave a comment if this is something you struggle with. That way, I’ll know I’m not over-sharing into the void. Peace!
x.o. Rachel